Relief.

I'm going to be a freakin' doctor. Dr Hilton. Interestingly, the name you qualify in is always your 'Dr' name. So if I marry I'll be Mrs Smith but Dr Hilton. Weird.


There's something very unnerving when you first see the email in your inbox. The sudden breathlessness, the tentative thrill of adrenaline; you force yourself not to become overexcited, to make the imminent rejection any more upsetting than necessary.


Anybody who has had an offer or rejection from Track will know exactly what I mean - the email is unambiguous with it's 'something has changed' message. Obviously, checking straight away is irresistable.


I was part-way through tucking into my cheese-n-crackers lunch at school when I opened up Track. And this is what I found:

Subsequently, I burst into tears. Happy tears of course, with a slightly muffled 'I've just got into University' for the benefit of the other LSAs in our staff room. I'm pleased for myself, despite the news not really having sunk in yet. To me this feels like 18 months worth of stress and hard work and real desperation has paid off. I suppose there's also the slightly ego-stroking idea that somebody, somewhere thinks that I have real promise to be a doctor and let loose on patients. Right now, I'm still mostly awe-struck. I'm going to University. I'm leaving home. I'm going to have to be all student-y and eat beans on toast and complain about being poor and get drunk on White Lightening. Maybe I'll buy a bicycle.


Everybody has been impossibly pleased for me, which is weird when you consider how normal getting a Uni offer is to most people. Anyway, I don't have to compare myself to anybody else anymore; I think most people that know me recognise how hard I've worked and how difficult this whole thing has been. 48 people 'like' the fact that I'm going to be a doctor; make of that what you will.


Right now, I'm more excited for my Offer Day Visit on Friday - a proper opportunity to look around and get a feel for what it could be like to live in Southampton. I'm excited to speak to the medical students, look around the hospital and obvs check out my fellow First Year students. From past experience, I know that as a soon as I visit the place in person I'll be completely in love with it and desperate to live there... I'm so easily swung.


Of course, the boring, rational part of me is saying not to get too hooked on Soton - what if Cardiff come back with a 'yes'? The idea of having a ranking of favourites has completely gone out of the window - like a drunken Bushwhackers-visitor I'm happy to be fickle and go off with whoever should choose me. I'm sure I'd love Soton. I'm sure I'd love Cardiff. I'm sure I'll love anywhere with students halls and the chance to be a doctor. Well, in six years time, anyway and with £100, 000 debt.


Uni people might notice my offer is listed as 'Conditional', despite having my grades already. This is because my place is conditional on passing the health screening and CRB check. So as long as I haven't lied about my grades, committed a crime or caught some life-threatening blood disease I should be A-OK.

Maldives.

Today was a bit of a rubbishy day. Although, to be fair to myself, I think I'm allowed one of those once in a while.

Generally, I like to think of myself as an optimist. Make the most of every opportunity etc. but I guess occasionally we all need to bathe in a little self-pity.

The common denominator in all of my micro-breakdowns is always University. This time last year my eczema went crazy from the stress of exams and looming gap year fears (it may even be to the day that Peninsula rejected me?) Edit: I checked and Peninsula rejected me on Jan 30th so not a bad guess. Right now I'm in the horrible no-mans land of waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm not quite sure how I would react to an invite to interview from Leeds after all this baited breath for an offer. Maybe it would feel a little like when the 12oz steak you've ordered in a restaurant has shrivelled away to a measly beefburger after all that time spent cooking. Slightly disheartening and wishing you'd ordered something else.

Some applicant know-it-alls would probably say that 'patience is an essential quality for a doctor'. Bollocks. Just because they have a fancy degree, doesn't mean doctors aren't human; two years is quite enough patiently waiting for my liking.

But it isn't just University. Ironically, I was going to post yesterday about how fantastically amazing my job is at a local secondary school. Today I have changed my mind.

It's not even that I hate my job or my managers. I love my role. I actually rather like my line manager. I just find certain elements rather frustrating. When we talk about teamwork people tend to mention the time they all chipped in to a big presentation, or when we organised that big event for the charity fundraiser. I think we (or certainly I) forget the hardest, and most important, part of teamwork is just getting along day-to-day. The constant conflicts of opinion and (in my role, anyway) the daily battle for space pushes my team working skills to the limit everyday. You've heard the phrase 'every man is an island'? Well my island seems to be shrinking and shrinking like the Maldives until one day the sea is going to wash right over the top and all you can see is the tip of a palm tree. Bloody global warming.

But it's true - the struggle for space in our dinky little Orange Block is becoming ridiculous. It's not even that anybody is being greedy, or unfair, just that everyone is looking out for themselves and their particular role and what the kids in their care need. Currently, I feel like I'm on the losing team and that my kids are suffering for the benefit of others, yet they are all equally vulnerable and needy.

It's a difficult one. I don't want to become upset. Particularly not about work, which I genuinely love. But I do understand why school staff are given so much time off; we'd go mad without it.

Dyscalculia.

As I type this (well, the intro anyway... I don't write that quickly), I am somewhere under the Bristol channel on a train. I've had my Cardiff interview this morning and looking forward to a nap...


Hopefully, the admissions team won't read this post - on two separate occassions I have proved my mother right in that 'the most intelligent people have no common sense. Yes, I have quite a few A Grades but I am also a right royal thicko. Obviously I do not use this terminology in reference to anyone other than myself. Particularly whilst working with Special Needs children.


That was as far as I got on the train before I decided to play Angry Birds instead. And it's also now a day outdated, so I'll start afresh. On the eve of the interview I realised I hadn't read the Interview Checklist. Passport, driving license, NI Card, bank statement. Photocopies. And photographs. Bugger. An 11pm trip to my Grandads printer/scanner. A 7am trip to the photo booth at ASDA, disaster averted. 


I say 'disaster averted'... yes, I suppose I got to Cardiff okay and with the relevant documentation. I was incredibly tired what with all the panicking and rushing and gentle rocking on the train which always puts me to sleep. But my photobooth picture was not pretty... Now, I'm not entirely sure what they want it for - they ask for two photographs - and I assume it's to put with  your statement as a reminder of who you are. I'm hoping they don't use it for my Student ID Card because I look like a drug-crazed serial killer. It's a bizarre fact that applicants refrain from wearing make-up to interview, tuck your hair behind your ears, no nail polish, flat shoes and high necklines with low hemlines. God only knows why, although I suppose how could you have a doctor who was partial to some blusher and eyeliner? Never mind... the point is that without make-up I look rather jaundiced. See below.

Shannon, medical applicant and autism  support worker

Aileen Wournos, notorious serial killer and hooker.

Anywayyyy, the interview itself. If I'm honest, and without tempting fate, I had good vibes. The interviewers were lovely (friendly 4th year, charming anaethetist and grandad-like GP with the best Welsh accent you could hope for). They asked me the basic questions as well as quizzing me on the more interesting parts of my statement, particularly around my jobs and Extended Project. They laughed and smiled and nodded in the right places, and I even got a 'I like the way you put that, that was very nice'. But I guess you never know... Like I've said again and again, there are so many fantastic applicants it must be a real challenge to choose between them. From my gut feeling, what will have let me down will be my initial nerves - I was called in 10 minutes early, so hadn't had a chance to fully focus and it showed. When speaking under pressure I find it difficult to control the pitch of my voice and have to concentrate on keeping my breathing even. During one question I paused to catch my breath and re-focus, and was even asked if I could 'expand on my answer' as if they thought I had finished. I'll kick myself for that one.


So there you go, now it's kind of limbo-land with very little going on either way until February. I can kick back now for 3 weeks or so, and just see what happens. My mental time frame looks like this:


Hull York: offer made before end of February. (Last interview held yesterday, so just waiting for candidates to be ranked - assume it could be earlier)


Cardiff: Endeavour to inform candidates before the end of February


Leeds: begin interviewing in February (invites given out mid-January), offers made in April


Southampton: First offers made in February (last year they said this but gave some in January). Could wait until April.


Speaking of Southampton, I had an automatic email reply from them which contained lots of information including 'this year, our UKCAT threshold score will be 3210.' My score was 2981. Of course, I was upset (and yes, shed a tear) until the next day when mum asked to read the email. 'What did you say your UKCAT score was Shannon? It says here the threshold score will be 2310.' Oh, right. I guess I read it wrong then mum. No need to worry, I'm still in the race. Was wondering why my Grandparents called to see 'if I was okay'.

Bookworm.

As much as I've come to terms with not getting into University, and as much as I love my gap year job(s) (and the money), I am still rather worried.


I don't mean worried about repeating the same 'Oh, you know... I didn't get into University' routine (although it is a recurrent nightmare of mine) - I'm worried that I'll forget how to be a student. After all, working post-A Levels is pretty easy: I have very few bills to pay and none of the stress that comes with it; my working day finishes at 3.15 and then I work part-time taking children swimming, horse riding, feeding the ducks etc and once I've finished work, my time is my own. I have no homework, my University application is done and I'm not fretting over job applications. The days of poring over textbooks until 11pm are gone. For now at least.


For some reason, I have thrown myself particularly vigorously into preparation for my Cardiff interview and it's taken some getting used to! My procrastination is worse than ever, and I'm generally very demotivated to revise (although this could be due to Xmas break). After a week or so of complaining, I've fallen back into my familiar pattern of planning my revision tasks meticulously, creating detailed notes and brainstorm diagrams that can be used right up until I am called into the interview rooms. And the reason why this is particularly bizarre behaviour is that a Cardiff interview is almost unique in that in encompasses a chat about yourself. That's it. There's no test on chemical compounds, or tricky analyses of recent news stories, or Oxbridge-style brain teasers. Cardiff are interested in finding out about you, expanding on your personal statement and hearing you speak naturally about yourself and your interests. 


Of course, there's very likely to be the standard 'Why Medicine?', 'Why Cardiff?' but any medical student wannabe worth their stethoscope should have these carefully pre-prepared. (In short, Medicine is a vocation that combines science and psychology with a person-centered focus and has the common goal of bettering others' lives. Medics are constantly relearning and learning new material, as well as reflecting and increasing their personal growth to become life-long learners. Cardiff practice dissection, to me, essential for developing respect and appreciation for the physical aspects of patients. There's a nursing module in Year 2, opportunities to intercalate a degree and a Senior Clinical Project in Year 5 as well as the usual Elective.)


I've heard rumours that a basic understanding of the Welsh NHS (operates seperately but still very congruent with English NHS, free prescriptions and a reform in 2009) and knowledge of recent news articles may be important. But the vast majority is exploring the PS - of course, this has the dual function of allowing candidates to expand on topics in a way they may not have been able to on paper (e.g. my work experience at GWH and volunteering wasn't even mentioned and my recently-changed employment status may need some explaining) and sussing out candidates who may have taken a certain artistic licence with their claims. 


So the next part of Operation: Interview is to go through my statement with a toothcomb, writing my own notes on how to expand each statement so I have some pre-prepared thoughts should I be asked about anything on it. For my opening 'Why I want to be a doctor?' paragraph I've brainstormed further reasons, linked these together and tried to find practical examples (such as    'I found the physiology of nerve transmission fascinating during my A Level Biology course, but even more interesting when you consider nerve function to be the root of all movement, thought, emotion, memory and unconscious responses such as breathing and blinking'). Something I was told at my practice Oxfizz interview was to develop my skill of cross-linking ideas. So when I am asked about my Extended Project on the Psychology Of Tribal Medicine, I can drop in how the contrast in atmosphere at the Prospect Hospice and local hospital (both of which I have volunteered at) produce different feelings in patients which may in turn affect their perception of their illness, much as my report suggests.


Of course, it's all well and good to practice and rehearse in my bedroom, but something quite different when you're in the actual situation... As well as nerves, interviewers can word questions unexpectedly, may push for a particular answer or challenge a point of view or may want to spend the whole 30 minutes discussing the finer details of your journey in. We'll see.


The interview is next Tuesday, and like Hull York Medical School, Cardiff aim to give out offers/rejections by the end of February. The statistics for these kind of things are always interesting - I believe there are around 3000 applicants for Cardiff's 280 places. That's a statistical chance of around 1/10 at application. Around 900 people are then interviewed, so about 3 people per place but (and this is the part people forget) around 450-500 offers are given out, increasing your chance to around 1/2. Not quite as high as HYMS' 2/3, but it's certainly a relieving thought going into interview.