Pocahontas.

Wow. To be honest, I'm a little gutted that I haven't kept things as frequent as I'd like. Never mind.


Right now, I'm mostly in shock at how quickly this year has gone (it's going to take a very long time for me to refer to a year as anything other than a school year). Kids at school are freaking out over exams, friends at Uni are excited to be finishing up their first year, I'm beginning to realise just how few weeks I have left to be called 'Miss'. Mental.


Working in a school is equally good and bad for time management - on the plus side, a six-week term structure helps to keep everything focused and avoids burning out, the negative of that is how everything seems to go by so quickly. My last post was in Easter half term; the next half term is two weeks away. It's unnerving to live your life in six week stints, sometimes even less, with the guarantee of at least one week's holiday in between. I am worried at the moment though - the last two weeks of this term are jam-packed with exams (I love feeling busy, but know it makes time zoom by) and then next term is only five weeks long. Five short weeks until I leave, and even then the last term of school is always a doss - trips day, sports day, immersion day, bank holidays. You name it, we take it as a break.


And then the summer holidays kick in - I'm very excited for the time off, excited to make the most of time spent with friends, yet wary of the goodbyes at the end of it. 


I haven't quite decided whether moving to Southampton feels really close or impossible far away at the moment. I don't think I'm genuinely excited yet; I can distract myself with other things that are going on and not having a confirmed address makes it easier to forget. Yet I'm excited for Ibiza, just two weeks before I move in. Don't get me wrong; I'm genuinely thrilled to be going to University, if I'm honest with myself, I think I'm beginning to feel a little daunted at just how much of a change everything will  be: what if I don't like my flatmates? What if it's too difficult? What if I stress too much and can't cope?


I know deep down that I'll be just fine - I've spent this year developing interests outside of studying/working and really focused on my ability to manage time and money. I'm prepared in a way that so many others aren't - not only did I receive my offer relatively early, but I can purely focus on University without the distraction of exams. An extra year out, whilst enormously beneficial, has made me even more determined and passionate about my career and really whetted my appetite for how things will be in the future, as well as given me the time to prepare both mentally and financially.


I think more than anything, I've enjoyed having the opportunity to direct my energy into something that isn't study-related; I've developed a real passion for fitness and exercise and I really want to continue this at Soton. I'd love to join a sports team - which would never have been high on my to-do list before (although mum still finds this prospect hilarious! Rude.). I've been able to spend more time with my friends and family and working out who I am; what patterns suit me, what stresses me out, my strengths and weaknesses. I know that I'm going to have to hit the ground running; develop a schedule which pushes me to achieve and enjoy inside and out of the lecture theatre, without experiencing meltdown before Christmas.


All in all, I would sum up my gap year as being a worthwhile experience whilst it lasted. I'm not going to pretend to anybody that I would happily sack off Uni and live the rest of my life like this; cramming my time with non-essential essential appointments at the gym, the pub and part-time work. I've loved the experiences I've gained, and I consider myself lucky with the way that things have panned out. The straightest path isn't always the surest.

Maldives.

Today was a bit of a rubbishy day. Although, to be fair to myself, I think I'm allowed one of those once in a while.

Generally, I like to think of myself as an optimist. Make the most of every opportunity etc. but I guess occasionally we all need to bathe in a little self-pity.

The common denominator in all of my micro-breakdowns is always University. This time last year my eczema went crazy from the stress of exams and looming gap year fears (it may even be to the day that Peninsula rejected me?) Edit: I checked and Peninsula rejected me on Jan 30th so not a bad guess. Right now I'm in the horrible no-mans land of waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm not quite sure how I would react to an invite to interview from Leeds after all this baited breath for an offer. Maybe it would feel a little like when the 12oz steak you've ordered in a restaurant has shrivelled away to a measly beefburger after all that time spent cooking. Slightly disheartening and wishing you'd ordered something else.

Some applicant know-it-alls would probably say that 'patience is an essential quality for a doctor'. Bollocks. Just because they have a fancy degree, doesn't mean doctors aren't human; two years is quite enough patiently waiting for my liking.

But it isn't just University. Ironically, I was going to post yesterday about how fantastically amazing my job is at a local secondary school. Today I have changed my mind.

It's not even that I hate my job or my managers. I love my role. I actually rather like my line manager. I just find certain elements rather frustrating. When we talk about teamwork people tend to mention the time they all chipped in to a big presentation, or when we organised that big event for the charity fundraiser. I think we (or certainly I) forget the hardest, and most important, part of teamwork is just getting along day-to-day. The constant conflicts of opinion and (in my role, anyway) the daily battle for space pushes my team working skills to the limit everyday. You've heard the phrase 'every man is an island'? Well my island seems to be shrinking and shrinking like the Maldives until one day the sea is going to wash right over the top and all you can see is the tip of a palm tree. Bloody global warming.

But it's true - the struggle for space in our dinky little Orange Block is becoming ridiculous. It's not even that anybody is being greedy, or unfair, just that everyone is looking out for themselves and their particular role and what the kids in their care need. Currently, I feel like I'm on the losing team and that my kids are suffering for the benefit of others, yet they are all equally vulnerable and needy.

It's a difficult one. I don't want to become upset. Particularly not about work, which I genuinely love. But I do understand why school staff are given so much time off; we'd go mad without it.

The O Word.

Overworked, overstressed, underpaid.

Well, most of that is my own fault... Currently I'm still working three jobs, totalling around 45 hours per week. Obviously, the tax is a bitch. And to be honest, nothing can be as stressful as January/February - realising I'd failed to get in to Uni and that my A Levels were sapping all the motivation and spirit I'd started with. If anything, I'm in a fantastically rare stress-free situation right now. 

As well as Homebase and working for the council (Sessional worker, swimming with special needs children/teenagers) I work at a secondary school as a 'Learning Support Assistant' (read: Teacher's Lapdog).

But I dress FAR better.

I also hold an additional role as 'ASD Coordinator', this means looking out for the autistic students within school and keeping in contact with home (we have an unusually high ASD cohort).

So far, I've really enjoyed my work within school: it's rewarding, interesting, stimulating and the Learning Support department have been really great at helping us 'newbies' settle in. But that doesn't mean I'm not pleased to see half term...

It's so funny to be back in a school, back watching lessons - an hour for a lesson goes so fast! I love watching the children giving it large, being rude to the teacher, giggling about some joke - I remember doing it myself - and it's only now I'm older that I see how cringy they are. Honestly, rolling your eyes at a teacher and whooping when someone is told off is not cool.

I've also realised how much I definately do not want to be a teacher now, regardless of how hard they work and how many hours they put in (judging by my own career choice, noone can call me work shy!) it's just how disheartening it must be to stand in front of a group of people who really do not care what you have to say. I want to share my passion for science with people who are keen to hear, whether as a higher education professor or to patients' who require the information: I don't want to train and then spend my working hours controlling crowds of uncaring, unruly children. Of course, not all children are like this; I work with lower ability students and so tend to see more of the classes full of 'difficult' children who either can't, or won't, behave because they fail to see the point in school. Interestingly, many of these 'naughty' children who are quickly written off by teachers are actually very keen to learn - once you've given them the attention and time that they need, their behaviour improves. One little madam asked me this week if she could sit with me in Maths - she's gone from being a nightmare, to the most attentive, hard-working student in the room. Just because she gets it. It's not fair for me to criticise, but one does wonder if smaller classes would allow teachers' to give children the attention they need to work hard and achieve... perhaps this is how private schools, with notoriously tiny classes, churn out such impressive results (and students)?

And the other thing that breaks my heart: how these kids sit there and say 'schools crap anyway, what's the point?' The point is that those grades say something about you for a long time, they'll dictate the types of jobs you can start off with and whether you can pursue a career in something you're passionate about, rather than a job just to feed your family. Isn't hindsight a fabulous thing? If there's one thing that is certain about humans, it's our ability to look back and realise that others' generally do want the best for us.

I think I've picked the perfect gap year job - the hours are generous enough that I can enjoy my friends and wages, whilst the work is interesting enough to be worthwhile. I've also realised how quickly working in a professional environment forces you to grow up; this is the first time where I've been given a position of responsibility and treated as an equal by adults, rather than a child. There are things that need to be worked on; I still find it difficult to talk to teachers as colleagues, rather than 'Miss' or 'Sir' and I'm very aware of how much reassurance I need, by asking questions and checking that I'm doing okay. However, I really hope that by the end of the year I can feel confident in the roles that I hold, I can reflect back on all the positive and character-building experiences I've had and I should have a respectable amount of money saved up for Freshers' Week. Roll on Xmas break...